To be or not to be... that is the question.

So I have the most wonderful children in the world. There is my step-son Cade who is so sensitive and sweet and there is Emma who is just filled with such a fun loving spirit. I have always wanted kids. I would even say my biggest fear in life was that I would never be able to have children. But it turned out okay and I have two wonderful children in my life. I got pregnant once before Emma, but I miscarried early in the pregnancy. I still have a hard time when I think about it, but I am extremely blessed with the kids that I have and I thank God for them everyday. Now that Cade and Emma are getting older my security perimeter for them is even stronger. I think about how the world is. Sometimes I feel so guilty bringing Emma into a world like this. But that is what we are supposed to do right? "As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on earth and increase upon it". (Genesis 9:7) God said to multiply and be fruitful, but I have a hard time thinking about the struggles I have as an adult today and what struggles Cade and Emma are going to have in years to come. Sometimes I feel selfish for olny thinking of myself when Kevin and I decided to have a baby. What happens when I pass and they are here on this earth dealing with everyday struggles that are getting more difficult by the year? I guess all I can do is pray that God will protect them.

Captivating "Woman is the crown of creation - the most intricate, dazzling creature on earth."

So I've been reading this book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. It is more or less discovering what women are all about and what it means to live as a Christian woman. As a woman, I can really relate to the stories in this book. I have had a difficult time being a new Christian and all, just trying to figure out what is expected of me as a wife, mother, and a Christ follower. This book really dives into where women come from begining with the fall of Eve. Women tend to have a low self worth. We expect our knight in shining armour to come wisk us away to our fairy tale land. Why are we never told it never happens that way? It is so crazy for us to think that in a round about way that will ever happen, but we do. We see it in movies, read it in books, and told the fairy tales when we are little. Deep down we believe it. So when we grow up and realize things just didn't quite work out the way we had expected, we are lost. Feeling unwanted, unworthy, and alone. This book just kind of puts things in perspective. I really enjoyed it and thought other women reading my blog may too.

Heidi is here!!!

My friend Tiffany had her baby yesterday. Kris, Tiffany's husband, called me this morning and said that Heidi was born yesterday. I went to the hospital at lunch to see them. She is so beautiful. She weighs 8 pounds 12 ounces and has a head full of hair. I just wanted to stay and hold her, but I told Tiffany I had to get back to work. Yeah, I left with baby pains. I pretty much had a horrible pregancy with Emma, but for some reason that is easy to forget after you have a baby and you start thinking of having another one. I think being a mother is the most wonderful gift a woman could ever receive. I absolutely love being a mother. I can say that because Emma is a wonderful baby (or toddler now, but I still call her my baby). Which also worries me about having another baby. There is no way I will ever be lucky enough to have another easy baby. Speaking of having another baby, Kevin called me this morning and out of no where he said he has been aching to have another baby. What!!! I was so okay until he said that. I thought, it's okay if I constantly think of having another set of pitter pattering feet around the house, but when the over analyzing, over prepared, we don't have the money husband is having the same feelings it makes it very difficult for me to be the sane one and say "There is no way we could have another baby with what we are paying for child care". I said it! I was the one who put my wants aside and gave the logical conclusion. Good for me. I will give myself a pat on the back.